The Peoria Pundit’s List of Almost-Always True Observations

Every once in a while, I make an observation about people, society and life in general that I believe applies almost universally.

1. There ain’t no such thing as a temporary tax. Well, maybe there is, but I’ve never seen one *really* allowed to lapse.

2. Rich people don’t pay taxes. Working-class people pay taxes. Rich people pass along the costs through lower wages, poorer service and higher prices and rent.

3. No matter how well-meaning and well-trained a teacher or school administrator is, he or she does not place your children’s well-being above his or her need to collect a paycheck. Those who do care have already lost their jobs or quit out of frustration.

4. All altruism is made possible by greed and self interest on someone’s part. You have to make money before you can give it away. Don’t argue with me. Better people that you have tried to provide an example of pure altruism. They failed. And social service spending isn’t altruism, because it’s not given voluntarily.

5. When you watch crappy television for the novelty of it, don’t complain when the network schedule is nothing *but* crap. Can you say “Fear Factor?”

6. Newspapers that hope to survive by appealing to the tastes and low attention spans of people who don’t read newspapers are committing slow suicide. It’s like opening a seafood restaurant for people who don’t like the taste of fish.

7. If someone dreams up a really convenient and inexpensive way to provide a good or service, they won’t offer it in Peoria or where you live.

8. Repeat after me: State and federal grants are NOT free money. It’s not a gift. It’s money that you sent in to the government. Politicians keep track of how much money is spent and where and over time, no one gets more than they send in.

9. Politicians might lie to ordinary citizens, but they never lie to each other. Their word to each other is their currency. When one starts lying, that’s the beginning of the end for them.

10. Those super-sized grocery stores that cover half of a city block and stock every conceivable permutation of every product on Earth will be sold out of ordinary mac and cheese.

11. Want to see who is ultimately responsible for the sorry state of government? Look in a mirror. We keep re-electing these guys. It’s insane to keep electing the same people year after year and expect different results.

12. If you meet someone with an opinion that differs from yours, one of you is wrong. That person might be you. So be humble and accept the possibility that everything you believe might be wrong.

13. The explosive growth in computer technology is driven by video gaming and on-line pornography. So don’t complain about it.

14. Except for pure athletic events like swimming and running, all sports are a variation of soccer. Except baseball, which is why it’s the best.

15. The leaders of every nation on Earth must place the safety and well-being of their own citizens above the safety and well-being of citizens of other countries. President Bush didn’t swear an oath to
defend the citizens of the world, he swore an oath to defend me. And my family. And my neighbors.

16. Some nation has to be the top dog. I vote for us. I can make a pretty good case that the world’s better off that way, too.

17. If it says “limited edition” or “collectible” on the box, the only people who will make money on them are the guys who made them and sell them new, not the suckers who bought them and put them away, still in their original packaging. Toys that have been played with and loved are the ones that will become collectible years down the road, not the pristine collectors’ editions untouched by children’s hands.

18. There are judges and juries who will rule a cheese sandwich causes genital warts as long as it takes money away from rich corporations and into the hands of pitiful-seeming litigants. Therefore, the media shouldn’t let court cases decide how we label products as unsafe or unsafe. Also … and hold onto your hats for this one … *sometimes attorneys lie*. They just call it “arguing their client’s case” because they believe that absolves them of legal and moral responsibility for lying.

19. The amount of time it takes the clerk as the gas station to activate your pump is indirectly proportional to the windchill factor. The colder it is outside, the busier they are *inside* selling “pick three” tickets. When the wind chill is in negative double digits, the clerk is on the phone breaking up with his/her significant other, crying hysterically. If the gas station has two doors, the one closest to your pump is locked.

20. There are two kinds of activists. The first kind gets his or her name on the paper alot and is constantly complaining and trying to make politicians lives miserable. The second kind attached a nail to the end of a stick and walks up and down the block picking up trash. There’s nothing wrong with the first kind — in fact we need then — but the latter gets more accomplished.

21. The people who insist on prayer in school, or before City Council meetings, or want to make the courthouses shrine to the 10 Commandments aren’t concerned about honoring God. They are concerned that people see them honoring God. After all, if no one can see you pray, what’s the use?

22. The ability to get a good night’s sleep is inversely proportional to the importance of the next day’s job interview.

23. Any company that offers 24/7 technical support will send their billing department home at 4:30 p.m.

24. The longer a political campaign is, the more people will be added to the list of those whom the media will dub the “presumptive candidate.” In other words, only a complete friggin’ moron will state with authority who is going to win a party’s nomination or the general election. There’s a reason we actually hold the elections, you know.

25. Most people prefer customer service that is cooly efficient over having some slow-witted idiot with a smile on his face as he apologizes to you.

26. Last century’s cult is this century’s moderately excentric religion.  If the FLDS church is a cult only because of child abuse, why isn’t the Roman Catholic Church?

More will follow …