You can’t fool me, Derek Jeter

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I’ve long suspected that Derek Jeter is gay. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course. It’s just that any male who’s that good looking has to be gay. Especially if he plays for the Yankees. I hate the Yankees. Anyway, it turns out that Jeter is now dating Jessica Biel, voted the sexiest woman alive by some magazine. I’m partial to Scarlett Johansson, of course, but I’m not going to dispute the wisdom of “some magazine.” She is sorta cute. She’s also been dodging rumors that she might be, you know, gay. This is probably because she’s been seen and photographed giving friendly smooches to members of the not-so-opposite sex. Again, I have no problem with this. What I have a problem with are gay celebrities* (and I’m absolutely positive Jeter is gay) acting as beards for each other.

*Yes, I know I have a policy of not discussing gay rumors on this site. But that only applies to real people, not celebrities, who exist only so normal people can discuss all aspects of their private lives. And besides, Jeter probably isn’t gay. I just hate the Yankees.

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